Indefinitely Dead
by Tynee23
Summary: One shot – Set in Definitely Dead - just after Eric makes Bill reveal the true reason for his starting a relationship with Sookie, while visiting her at the hospital after her run in with newly risen Jake. After having the foundations of her recently built self esteem and awareness shaken unto decimation. Sookie wonders the unfamiliar Street of New Orleans contemplating her future


I had to get out of here. My surroundings are closin' in on me and the 'shields' I use to protect myself from bein' overwhelmed by others thoughts are shot. Yay… What a great _**gift**_ my telepathy has been to me all my life. I used to refer to my special mental condition as a disability. That was until I met my first Vampire, 'Vampire Bill', Bill Compton my first boyfriend and well – my first everythin'.

I had never been able to be real close to anyone before because of my disability. The only one I could stand to be near and maybe touch was my Gran. She would know when I needed comfort – which was quite a lot considerin' how most everyone I knew thought I was crazy or some sort of demon child since I was able to put a sentence together.

When she held me in her arms her mind would open up to me. Showing me all the love she held for me and my heart would be made light again in her embrace. Gran was a silent thinker and so it was easy for me to shield her thoughts from my mind but for most people if I wasn't watchin' them I had trouble knowing if they were talkin' out loud or just thinkin'. That's how I got the name 'Crazy Sookie', I would find myself answerin' thoughts or not replyin' when a person would talk to me - but when I met Vampire Bill all that changed.

Vampires came out of the coffin - as they like to refer to their making themselves known to the public in general – a few years ago and it took a while for us to actually see one in Bon Temps. That's where I'm from Bon Temps, Louisiana population three thousand, seven hundred and fifty-six including Jenny and Tom Shrimpton's new little boy Roy, born a couple 'a days ago. Bon Temps was the back of nowhere and we didn't get many strangers pass through so when Bill Compton walked into Merlotts Bar and Grill – the bar that's been my place of work for the past four years – he grabbed my attention straight away.

He entered the bar and I realized he was different straight away. His skin kind of glowed making his paleness seem like it was lit from within. Not waiting to be seated he walked directly to my section and made himself at home in a booth - Right there… Right there is where the course of my life began to turn away from what I thought was normal - and it was for me – to somethin' paranormal.

Meetin' Bill led to my bein' beaten and threatened, staked and raped, shot and worst of all, my Gran's death. In the beginning I thought it was worth it. I'd never had anyone show me the kind of attention Bill had showered upon me when we met. Gran had met him and approved him as suitable for me to spend time with and he helped me learn to control my shields better and just that in itself made my life easier.

But I didn't know then what I know now…

Would he ever have told me? All it took was ten words. Ten words to take my life away and crush me. Ten little words…

"_**Ask him why he came back to Bon Temps, Sookie**_." Why did Eric make him do it? I knew he had forgotten our time together but did he really care for me me so little he thought me hearing that I was only a mission, a job, wouldn't break me? That Bill taking my virginity not out of love but as a duty for his Queen wouldn't suck whatever life I held within me into space never to be seen again.

And Bill… Couldn't he feel what he was doin' to me? Even if he was too much of a coward to look me in the face, he would have felt every stab and rent my heart felt as the battery of his toxic words fell from his lying mouth. I felt like such a fool. I handed myself to him on a platter. _**Trusting him**_… _**Loving him**_… **Why…?**

"**Get Out!" **Bill was tryin' to make me listen to more of his rhetoric but there was no way I wanted to hear more of the spew leavin' his mouth. The tears glazing over my eyes made it almost impossible for me to see but Bill wasn't givin' up.

"Please let me finish." Let him finish… **Let. Him. Finish**…! What did he mean, let him finish? He was finished. I was finished. He had finished me. They both had… Eric wouldn't even look at me.

"I never want to see you again in my life… Ever!" I warned him in a scolding whisper. I couldn't believe it his lips were movin' he was goin' to try again "**Get Out!"** I knew I couldn't hold it together too much longer and there was no way these men were goin' to see me cry. Finally Bill left leavin' me with Eric who still didn't turn around. He patted my leg as if to give me some kind of chin up message and he left as well.

Rat Bastards the both of them. Rat Bastards Vampires in general. I felt like a volcano was building inside of me. I felt like I could rip somebody apart with my bare hands but I didn't have any one being to blame for my devastating pain. I wanted to scream like Tarzan but I was crippled. Even though the pain had been excruciating when Jake Purifoy bit me and was still, the pain burstin' through my chest had me completely overwhelmed.

I didn't want to fall apart here. I was already ashamed of myself for being so stupid and vein. Lettin' a few well placed flatterin' remarks and swarthy smiles swell my head to think someone could care for fat and Crazy Sookie – But I had - and now I felt so small, used and unwanted.

I got myself off of the gurney and just stood starin' at my bare feet for a short time to get my equilibrium. I prided myself on my cleanliness and seein' how dirty they were gave me another reason to feel ashamed. _Who would want me_?

I made my way to the Emergency room doors and was stopped by a nurse tellin' me the Doctor would be with me soon but as soon as she saw my face she stepped away lettin' me go on my way. I had to use the wall as a means to find my way as the tears I was shedding were blinding me but I finally made it out into the street. I had no idea where I was and I didn't care. I moved away from the hospital puttin' one foot in front of the other. My arms wrapped around my body in an effort to hold myself together, tears freely rolling down my face sometimes landing on my feet… On I went, one foot in front of the other.

I was approached by a homeless man. "You got any change, sister?" he asked "I'm down on my luck too."

"Do I look like I have anything?" I asked in what I considered a reasonable voice. He must'a seen the madness in my eyes because he took a step away. "Sorry." I moved toward him then and screamed –

"**I. Have. Nothing!"** and then it occurred to me; I chuffed a sardonic laugh looking at the now scared man. "but ya'see… I never had anythin' to start with." and the tears were falling from my eyes like rain. I never saw where he went too and on I went, one foot and then the other.

At some point I realized that my pity party wasn't rational. What was I expectin' …? Everything I'd built my life around – myself around in the past year had all been a lie. I believed I was finally special to someone, someone who was extremely special to me. Even though we weren't together any more, I believed I was still regarded fondly by Bill. He was a fantastic actor, I had to give him that.

I even hung on to the hope that Eric thought I was something more than a just telepath that sometimes offers room and board but I have been proven wrong in that as well. He kicked me when I was already down. He knew he was in the wrong he couldn't even look me in the eye. I had grown to care for him, almost love him when I looked after him during the Witch war. Picturing 'My Eric' now, he would be furious with himself for putting me through this. I have to smile to myself when I think of his passion. He was going to "Bring me to his side" and what did he say? "All of my subjects would give you their fealty." Ahh… my Viking Prince.

"My Eric…! My Eric…!" I scream into the night. "I love you and I need you My Eric." I sob collapsing down upon myself holding my knees. I don't know how long I crouch there sobbing for my lost soul, my lost love, my lost life and the fear I hold now for my future before I find I am moving again - moving down the dark streets of a not so nice neighborhood. I couldn't bring myself to care, my arms still clung to my torso in an effort to give my heart some comfort but I knew it would never come. I just put one bloody foot in front of the other and kept moving.

A group of young men walked passed and one decided to have some sport with me. To his shock he found his body slammed head first into the closest brick wall – Vampire blood is good for somethin' I s'pose. I turned to glare at his friends.

"Leave her be." I heard one of them say. "She's crazy." They all moved off down the road making sure their dazed friend tagged along. "That's right you Rat Bastards…! You run along now or Crazy Sookie's gonna get ya!" I really enjoyed the sound of the laugh that followed those guys down the dark road. Evil with a touch of insane – "I'll get you my pretties! Hahahahahahahahahah….!" I think I saw them speed up but I couldn't be sure.

My tears dried up and I realized I'd made my way to the Cemetery...The Cemetery where my deceitful cousin met her final death. My chest, my chest - the pain renews and expands with the reminder of her lifelong loathing of me and how still, even now that she is definitely dead does her spitefulness toward me reach out like a maenads claw poisoning my life. Again I find myself screaming into the night sky.

I fall to the ground exhausted. I haven't got the foggiest notion of what time it is. The night seems to be endless. I can't do this anymore. My life has no point. I am always moving from one struggle to another. I have been protected this past year but I've still managed to be subjected to extortion, beaten, shot, raped and finally broken.

There is no one for me. Well there is Quinn but… There is something that feels a bit déjà vu about things with him. Why would the Queen need to send him to me? Why not get Eric to talk to me? He's her Sherriff after all. It's just too much of a coincidence to be ignored. Bill was sent by the Queen and Quinn was sent by the Queen. I wonder what the Queen has over Quinn? What do I care anyway. My hand seizes in anger closing around something and I go to toss it away and then I realize what it is.

Could this be an answer for me? What will be my future without someone to protect me from the Queen or any other Supe that wants me for themselves for that matter. Could this small, insignificant piece of flotsam be my savior. I bring it up closer to my eyes and watch as it flashes in the light of the candles on the graves. "Could you bring me the peace I need? I could be with Gran. I wouldn't be alone, lonely and ostracized again." I speak out loud to the opalescent shard.

With a clarity I haven't felt since Jake Purifoy attacked me I realize what I need to do. I don't need to roll up my sleeves so I stab into my injured wrist and smile as I pull the glass through my skin up to my elbow. My blood begins to run freely onto the grass where I'm resting. I'm just about to stab my other arm when with a "Noooooo!" That echoes into the night air I'm pulled from the ground and pressed into a vice-like embrace.

"No. No Sookie. No, no, no, no Lover no."

"My Eric?" I try to look up into my vampire's eyes but he's holding on too tight.

"I'm sorry Lover. I only wanted you to know the truth. Please don't do this. Let me heal you." 'My Eric' he must have heard me calling for him.

"This is for the best 'My Eric'. I have missed you so much. You said you would keep me with you but you left me and Sheriff Eric hates me. Do you know what he did to me tonight…? He ripped my heart out. You would never have been so cruel my love. I do love you, you know?" I was starting to feel sleepy and peaceful in 'My Eric's' arms. This is where I belonged.

"No Sookie listen to me. I need you. I need you alive and with me my beautiful girl. I could never hate you my love… I love you... Stay with me... Let me heal you. _**Please**_ Lover." I felt Eric moving me around and it felt like he was letting me go to leave me on the cold ground.

"Don't let me go Eric. Don't leave me again and don't ever let me go."

"Never my love." I heard from behind my ear and I was cradled in his arms. Then Eric's bloody wrist was at my mouth and I drank what he offered me. When his wrist healed for the second time Eric laid me on out the grass and began licking and cleaning my now closing wound. As soon as he took the first swallow of my blood Eric looked at me in shock and bloody tears began falling down his face.

"Lover…" He exclaimed "Lover, I remember everything of our time together. Oh my little one. I'm so sorry. I will never leave you again." He leaned over my body and kissed me and it was like something lit up inside my body. I could feel his love and happiness inside me.

"I need to heal you my love and then we will need to find shelter; dawn will be upon us soon." Eric turned his attention to my injury. I watched as my self inflicted wound closed from his ministrations and sighed in total relief as he bathed the raw hole where Jake had ripped into my arm and the pain began to subside. Eric was making the pain go away and I knew given time he would heal my heart and make me whole once again. We would need to talk, it was going to take me a while to learn to trust again but I know my Eric would be up for the challenge.

"


End file.
